Journal of an Anorexic
by jjauthor21
Summary: Emma's journal from her time at Ocean Park. There is more to the story than meets the surface.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue- Journal Begins

August 31, 2014

The teacher at Ocean Park is practically known for his long lectures. Most of the class was zoned out but I was listening intently. Learning is something I love, I study or read when I need something to do. It's my goal to get into Yale...that is once I leave the hospital but getting rid of anorexia is easier said than done. My friends here don't completely understand, no one does because I refuse to let anyone see my darkest moments. Maybe that's why I started this journal- so I have somewhere to pour all my emotions and still seem fine on the surface.

 **A/N: I know this was really short but it's just an prologue type thing so you understand the set up and reason of the story. I hope you liked it and please review, much more to come :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Episode 1-Pilot

**Disclaimer: I don't own Red Band Society, never have. Sorry I forgot the disclaimer before.**

 **A/N: This chapter is a lot longer than the first but it's getting even better as I keep writing so please keep reading.**

September 17, 2014

I almost forgot that I started this journal, the only other journal I have or have ever had is the one where I keep track of what I eat. I had a reason to write today though. I thought this was any other day in life at the hospital but it's not. There's a new patient at Ocean Park, Jordi. He seems nice and appreciates my twisted sense of humor. He's Leo's roommate now and Leo doesn't care for that idea. I think that maybe I could like him but the thing is like still kind of like Leo. There is no way either of them like me though so whatever. I mean why did Leo ever like me in the first place? This whole situation makes my head spin, or maybe that's from not eating in six days. Kara seems to like the food made for me so maybe there is a chance for me to trick the nurse into letting me leave, then again all my friends are here...but my family is home. I guess family comes before friends, right? Speaking of friends, I feel bad about insulting Leo earlier. I shouldn't have made all those missing leg jokes with Jordi. I was just trying to lighten the mood and that's where my brain took me. also, my therapy appointment was so annoying today. What's the point when all I have to do is lie and say what they want to hear? Then again, no one knows I'm lying. I really don't get hungry anymore and if I told them that they would all shove food down my throat. They almost do already. Of course I miss my home an I have goals for my life so I need to get out of here eventually. I don't know of any other way than tricking them. Everyone just wants me to eat but whenever I do they see one step forward and I see fifty back. It freaks me out, I can't handle it and I'm not sure what to do yet. I'm smart though, I'll figure it out without any help from anyone. Besides my life isn't all about being cured. I have friends crushes, people I trust, people I hate, every type of relationship a normal teenager has and more. I mean, the adult most teens are closest to isn't usually there nurse like I think of Nurse Jackson to be. It still feels kind of weird to write everything I think, feel or remember but it may be helpful so I'll keep going. Maybe if I go person by person, I'll be able to understand how I feel. Leo. I still like him and at one point he liked me but not equal to the way I felt about him. He's an amazing friend, someone I can always talk to but we get at each other's throats a lot. He is always trying to fix me. Why can't he accept that I'm not not normal? Dash. He's a good friend but a bit of a weirdo and very rebellious, he likes to test his limits. There's not much else to say about him. Kara. She's an annoying stereo type cheerleader but in a way, she's kind of a friend. Also. She is probably going to help me look like I ate so her presence isn't all bad. We are all in a hospital, we all could use support so I guess trying to be friendly is the right thing to do. Jordi. He's new but I already know we could be great friends. I may not know much yet but he's mysterious and fun. Even though it wasn't on purpose, he turned my crush relationship thoughts upside down. It's going to be interesting to see how our relationship turns out. And lastly, Charlie. He may be in a coma but he is a big part of our little group. Dash, Leo and I have all poured our hearts out to him even though he can't respond. I wish he was awake and, this goes for everyone I mentioned, I hope they get better. I have my weigh-in soon, the nurses are going to flip at how "light" I am but I have more fat than I want to. I know how to make everything seem okay, if I chug water and hide weights under my clothes they'll I weigh more. As long as I wear baggy clothes-they'll never know. Until next time, journal.

 **A/N: Hope you liked it! Please review, there is more to come. I'm getting better at this journal thing as I go and please read my other stories :)**


	3. Chapter 3: Ep 1- Pilot Part 2

**A/N: I stretched out episode one so that Jordi's sugery isn't until the day the second episode came out and I added a lot of my own stuff but I hope you like it :)**

September 19, 2014

Leo threw a mini party for Jordi before his surgery in a few days. It was really sweet and something good came out of it. Leo gave all of us one of his red bands, we formed the Red Band Society. _That_ was the highlight of my day, enough though Leo and I were awkward- I'll explain later. Earlier I was forced to eat something today, I can feel the weight adding on from it. That is unhealthy. I guess I don't have the right to call things unhealthy when I'm not eating. The thing is everyone here drinks and smokes, Kara is a drug addict. At least I'm above that- I know I'm making the healthy choice there. School was a lot of fun today, I got an extra book to read and it's really good so far. The only common type of drama at Ocean Park is the kind where doctors flip over change in a patient's condition. I would say getting in a fight with your friends in front of all your other friends is drama, right? That very situation happened today and I'm not sure what to do. For lunch, all my friends decided to come to my room today since I can't leave during meals. Everyone's plates were just about empty and the only thing missing from mine was two bites of chicken that Kara ate. Usually my friends don't really bug me about my anorexia but today Leo went against that. He looked from my plate to me and said, "Emma, just eat something,".

I don't know why that bothered me so much since he is always telling me how skinny I am but it did, "I have a disease, peg leg." I snapped back.

"Come on, why won't you listen?!" He questioned.

"I have anorexia, Leo! I don't want food!"

"Don't you want to get better?!"

"I'm sorry I'm not normal!"

"I don't need you to be normal, I just want to fix you!" Leo yelled. My jaw dropped open.

"What did you just say to me?"

"Oh, Emma- I didn't mean i-"

"No," I cut Leo off. "I am _so sorry_ I don't meet your high standards."

"Emma, you know I think you have the best _personality_ ever," I shook my head.

"Get out, Leo."

" Wait, just let me apolo-"

" _Get out!_ " Leo left and I sat back on my bed. No one left or said a word until I had to go to therapy. When I left, everyone followed. I still can't believe Leo could be so insensitive, he knows my anorexia is hard for me to talk about. Of course I don't want to have a disorder but I can't afford to eat more calories, I had already eaten eight earlier. I think every Red Bander has had a heart to heart with Charlie- I really hope he'll be able to respond soon. Sometimes you need to know what he thinks, like when I asked about Leo. I have a lot of homework to do though, so that will calm me down. I've been all worked up today and, even though writing things down helps me, I think I needed to talk to a real person at the party...but I didn't- big mistake. Since, other than that, my life hasn't been very interesting- this is going to end my journal entry for today.

 **A/N: I hope you enjoyed it, I'll update again soon. And if you are reading** **Jo and Kendall** **I'll update that soon and I'm thinking about another BTR fanfic with the actors and and RBS one with an OC so there is more to come!**


	4. Chapter 4:Ep 1-Pilot Part 3(almost Ep2)

**Disclaimer: I don't own Red Band Society**

September 23, 2014:

I don't know why I started writing today, not much has changed. But, who knows, maybe this will become a book or be on a website someday. Eventually, I'll probably look through this journal for details for my college essay. Jordi is starting to get really concerned about his surgery and I want to tell him everything will be okay but I can't. No one can insure that because it worked for Leo it will work for him. That's the thing here , everyone can tell you you'll be fine but it's not a promise. I mean I _tell_ Brittany I'll eat my food but I don't _promise_ it because there is a good chance that I won't. Leo and I made up, we both apologized. I should have know that it would work, I'm not afraid o admit that we're both to stubborn to apologize if the other person isn't going to. According to my weigh in I gained two pounds. It's terrible, I don't know why gaining weight is a good thing. All I ever hear adults talking about is how to loss weight but the second I do it's a travesty. Kara still comes and eats my lunch everyday but for breakfast and dinner I'm on my own. We have a really fun project in school, Leo and I are partners. He's always my partner because Dash is always with a pretty girl and Kara and Jordi aren't going to start school for a little while. Leo is smart but is always late for class and isn't going to put in as much effort as I am. My dad is coming up soon and he said he would bring Fin. I'm so excited because I really miss her and I've been a terrible big sister. She's supposed to be able to look up to me but I hope she is almost nothing like me. But maybe dad will bring Fin more often, I can make this right. I don't expect my mom to come, she never does. I guess I'm too big a disappointment. I have to meet Leo to start our project in five minutes so I'm not going to worry about it. I have to start writing before I'm late to our project meeting- peace out! Oh and good luck on your surgery tomorrow, Jordi and thanks for saying you'd give me a new red band since I lost mine. I still feel so bad, I hope Leo doesn't notice.

 **A/N: I hope you liked it! Sorry it was kinda short and I really had to stretch the first episode so that it went all the days until the second episode's air date. I'll try to update again soon, please review :)**


	5. Chapter 5: Episode 2-Sole Searching

**A/N: i am so sorry for not updating and then this short update, darn school! Anyway enjoy a look inside Emma's thought, please review! I really what your feedback :)**

September 24, 2014

Boys can be so stupid sometimes. I can't believe Leo would use his new leg as a golf club! But I guess everyone was trying to distract themselves today. Even though Jordi's new, the Red Banders care very much about how he is after surgery and we'll get to that later but I'm trying to go in chronological order. I tricked Nurse Brittany into thinking I gained a pound at my weigh in today by chugging water and putting weights in my bra. Kara commented about weights in clothes afterward, why is she so out to get me? I know she doesn't want to be in this hospital either so you'd think she'd understand trying to get out. Next I went to ask Leo about Jordi. It was only like five minutes later when Dr. McAndrew asked to talk to Leo alone. When your living in a hospital, you learn that's not a good thing. Oh, but before that Leo noticed I had a different red band, I told him it was from Jordi and he didn't seem too upset. Kara came into my room for "quiet time", we argue about almost everything but at least she agreed to still eat my lunch. Leo came in and told us that Jordi got to keep his leg, I know Leo and he would try and be happy for Jordi but Kara had to make him all upset. I can't help but wonder Jordi's treatment. I've read a lot of medical books since moving to the hospital and it may not be good. Also Nurse Jackson sadly didn't believe I had gained weight, Brittany told me. That's about all that happened to me today but I heard Leo had a little adventure. The guy is really upset that the new leg doesn't make him good as new instantly. It's still hard to believe he snuck off and used it so much and cause himself so much pain though. I thought he knew better but the only friends I have are at the hospital so I'm not going to turn into a mean, annoying know-it-all and ruin that. I guess that all, until next time. Oh, I almost forgot, Kara's moms. That was an interesting situation and a long story but I have homework, so long story short Kara was mad at her moms for being inconsiderate, I tried to help but then Kara's mom told her to be more like me (hard to believe right, why would anyone be like me) which drove Kara crazy and finally she had a good conversation with them and worked it all out. What a happy ending for my journal entry


End file.
